Atari

Yes, I'm paywalling my trauma.

It's been a year since you've been gone. I love you.

On the last day you scratched and kicked so hard my skin broke. You dug grooves into the face of my watch. I love you.

You could barely walk. and then suddenly you couldn’t stand any more. You let me hold your hand. I love you.

When I pet you, you couldn’t purr, but I could hear a low frequency hum if I held my head close to your chest. I love you.

I didn’t want to take you into that car. I didn’t want to scare you or make you worse. I thought I could fix you at home, but I was too scared, so I had to risk it. I love you.

You were too weak to even know what was happening, but I kept my hand on you the whole ride. If I had known it would be the last time I would touch you, I would have taken you into my arms and cradled you. I love you.

If I was sure this was going to be it, that you weren’t going to come home how you should have come home, I would have made you comfortable. I would have made it nice. I wouldn’t have left you scared and alone. I love you.

I believed in you, buddy. I still do. You made one miracle happen and I was so sure that you had another one in you. You kept fighting, so I kept fighting for you. When the emergency doctor started to bring up “decisions” there wasn’t a choice in my mind. I love you.

I saw you there, on that cold metal table, wagging your tail like you did all day long. I saw you there, breathing deeper and deeper. I saw you there, blue eyes glassy and blank, with recognition when I said your name. You were still in there. I love you.

I wasn’t giving up as long as you were wagging that tail, as long as you were breathing. You were brave. You were fighting for us. I love you.

I really, really did everything I could. I’m so sorry, pal. I let you down. I love you.

Worst of all, I lied to you. I lied and said you wouldn’t ever go back to the hospital again. I’m sorry. I love you. 

I lied and said I would see you again soon. I’m sorry. I wanted that to be true more than I have ever wanted anything. I love you.

You helped get me through a very dark period of my life. I truly wouldn’t still be here without you. Thank you. I love you.

When waves of anxiety would hit, or vines of dark thoughts would burrow their way in, you were always there. I love you.

There won’t be another to replace you, there can’t be. I love you.

And now, as I’m mired in another dark period, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do without you here, indifferent to the world or my worries, but the best friend I could ask for. I love you.

I know you’ll still linger in the house. I’ll think I see you in your Tari spots, or moving around a corner. I already thought I heard you hiding under my bed and scratching at my door. It won’t be easy, but you never liked things easy, did you? I love you.